I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
