i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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