Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
