My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My vagina is officially offended.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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