Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
