I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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