Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
