my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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