Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
