K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
