Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
