This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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