I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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