Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize