apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my liver is dry heaving
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
