I wish my penis had an off switch
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize