She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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