Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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