I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
