3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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