Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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