She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
