I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
