The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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