My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
