Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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