You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize