my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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