just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
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