Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
