He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
