Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
