I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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