Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
