I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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