i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
