My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
