Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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