She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
