he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
