nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
