I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
