She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
