Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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