I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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