Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
