I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
