The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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