I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
