I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
