it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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