Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i will never coherently bang her
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
