You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we're making bets on your personal life
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize