Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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